REALLY REALLY REALLY

i am indeed pregnant....with TWINS!

the quote beneath my profile reads

" I am living the life, I never knew, I've always wanted"

this is the truest thing I could ever say

....i didn't think i wanted alot of children when i was younger

...i didn't think i'd marry at 19

....these are the things that I now cherish the most, I cherish my marriage & I cherish the sacred gift of motherhood bestowed upon me.

so often i feel unequal and inadequate, so often i feel the hefty burden that is the bringing up of children, so often i feel the sting of a wrong decision, but i never feel as though I didn't want any of this I MUST HAVE WANTED IT ALL ALONG, I JUST DIDN'T KNOW!

During my ultrasound the Dr ( who was sitting in) & the tech were looking at the monitor...then they both looked up and asked "Was this a planned pregnancy".....i had to think a moment....the truth was we had not been trying to get pregnant, but the bigger truth is now that we were having a baby{s} we felt like we'd been trying all along, the biggest truth is WE WANTED THIS BABY! I tried to make my reply reflect the bigger truth......"well, we are really happy and excited"..they caught my drift and then said almost in unison "Well we are about to give you a bit of a surprise" then turned the monitor and there before me was the picture you saw yesterday 2 little itty bitty babies, WOW! I could tell you all the thoughts, reactions, & hopes that went through my mind but in an effort to weed through my emotional reactions I will just emphasize the most important reactions

One: I want these babies, and I never knew it

Two: I feel as though it will take alot of time on my knees to be the mother of 6

Three: I am humbled

Now if you will go with me back a couple of weeks i will try to relate how i came to be in the ultrasound room yesterday

I received an ultra sound a few weeks ago to confirm the most recent miscarriage....which it did

I still felt sick

I still felt tired

Angelo wanted to try

the thought of yet another miscarriage recked me

I felt sick

I felt tired

then i started eating out for all of our meals

napping during the day

then i started throwing up

so I took another pregnancy test

which was POSITIVE almost a blinking light seeming to say HELLO YOU ARE P R E G N A N T

i called the doctor thinking i had somehow i'd just gotten pregnant directly after my miscarriage so they sent me to the lab

this was Monday

my appointment was scheduled for Wednesday

Tuesday i got a phone call

" could you come in for an Ultrasound before your appointment , your HCG is very HIGH"

Wednesday more labs

the ultrasound revelation & here we sit

no miscarriage just a really odd cycle

and twins

the babies are due the beginning of April but I guess full term with twins is 36 weeks so that makes me due whenever they feel like it between March & April!

so here i sit, i've NEVER felt this sick NEVER NEVER EVER ( i kept telling the Mr., my mother, & *friend to which they responded you just don't remember) now we know I am sicker than ever before...i feel like when the woodpecker on loony toones rigs a big hammer to smash his opponent then the poor guy gets smashed like a pancake and THEN some gigantic spatula comes to peel him off the ground........that's kinda how i feel oh and also a bit like i've been fasting for the last week..and a bit like i've just come off one of those spinning carnival ride, you know all dizzy and such...but i am GRATEFUL for every spinning, body smashed, starved moment!

I really just need all the prayers I can get...I want these babies to grow & develop and be healthy

{ my mom wants all these things and them to be FEMALE}

{Angelo wants all these things and to find a vehicle that he like with a decent price that will fit us all}

{Jax's is excited to be the boss of them}

{Liam is excited to be the co-boss of them}

{Emme can't see the babies so she's frustrated}

{ and the poor boss doesn't even know what's coming for him}

Another Ultrasound in two weeks

that's all the twin news i have until then